Learn to recognize the telltale signs of toxic parents and how to set boundaries with them
A toxic parent is someone who, knowingly or not, damages your emotional well-being through the use of control, fear, guilt, or manipulation.
Maybe you’re in tears after a tough day at work, and instead of comforting you, your parent starts recounting how their job troubles were so much worse.
Or perhaps they implicitly pressure you to become a doctor like they’ve always wanted, and disregard your dream of starting a creative business. Their way is the only “right” way.
This can lead to a lifetime of low self-esteem, perfectionism, anxiety, and chronic self-blame. These are just some of the residual issues I see in adults who have/had a toxic relationship with their parents.
If this sounds familiar, please know that it’s not your fault and that you have the power and the right to set boundaries for your own mental well-being.
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Emotional and psychological abuse from toxic parents is, unfortunately, more common than many might realize.
The effects of such mistreatment can be long-lasting. For instance, a study found that 80% of young adults who were abused as children develop at least one psychological condition.
When your parents aren’t the ones looking out for your emotional well-being, you might feel trapped in a cycle of constantly putting others' needs above your own. You might always be on edge, waiting for the next time someone snaps at you or belittles you.
So, how can you stop this cycle?
First, let’s look at the different types of toxic parents before getting into how to break the cycle of abuse:
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Parenting is one of the most important—and challenging—jobs in the world. It requires empathy, maturity, patience, love, and an understanding that children are unique individuals with their own thoughts and dreams.
Unfortunately, not all parents fulfill this role in a healthy way.
But what exactly makes a parent toxic, and how can you spot the signs?
One clear sign of toxic parenting is when your parents can’t see you for who you truly are.
Instead of appreciating your individuality, they might try to force you into a pre-made mold of their own creation.
This can make you feel invisible, unimportant, and like your own heart and soul don’t matter.
Examples:
One of the most hurtful toxic parenting behaviors is when your parents have a rigid set of beliefs that they expect you to adopt without question.
This can create a lot of inner turmoil, especially if your values and beliefs don't align perfectly with theirs.
It’s tough to navigate feeling pulled in different directions, trying to reconcile what you genuinely believe with what you’re being pressured to accept.
Examples:
If you struggle with making decisions as an adult, it could be because your parents never let you decide for yourself as a child.
They might act as if your very existence is a result of them, implying ownership and that they have the right to control your choices simply because they brought you into the world.
Unfortunately, these toxic behaviors often continue into adulthood.
Examples:
Toxic parents can often be quite hurtful in ways that cut deeply, whether through overt criticism or more subtle emotional jabs. They might belittle your achievements, dismiss your feelings, or fail to offer genuine support.
This kind of negativity goes beyond mere criticism; it chips away at your soul and makes you feel “less than” and inferior.
It’s hard to feel good about yourself when your parents’ words and actions consistently undermine your self-esteem.
Examples:
Emotional manipulation is a strategic tactic used to control your actions and decisions. These tactics create a confusing, hazy environment where your choices feel heavily influenced by your parents’ demands.
Manipulation often feels like a game with ever-changing rules, making you constantly question and second guess yourself.
Examples:
Guilt-tripping is a common trick toxic parents use on unsuspecting children to get you to meet their demands.
This can make you feel like you’re responsible for your parents’ happiness, which puts an enormous amount of pressure on you.
This dynamic leaves you feeling drained and overburdened, as you try to keep up with their needs while neglecting your own.
Examples:
Do you ever feel like conversations with your parents always shift back to their issues?
This self-centered behavior can be really tough to endure. You rarely get the empathic support or compassion you need.
Instead of feeling heard, listened to, and understood, you end up feeling like your struggles and feelings don’t matter, reinforcing the belief that others are more important than you.
Examples:
As an adult with toxic parents, you likely have issues setting and maintaining boundaries with others. This is likely due to growing up with parents who never respected your boundaries.
It can be painful and difficult to recognize these patterns, but it's important to remember that you deserve to assert your own needs and desires.
Examples:
Good parenting is about nurturing, empathizing, and guiding with love and respect.
Toxic parents often misunderstand this profound responsibility and use parenting as a means to fulfill their own needs or ambitions rather than providing a supportive environment for their child.
Examples:
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If you recognize these signs in your relationship with your parents, it’s crucial to understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
While confronting toxic parental behavior can be challenging, taking steps to address these issues can lead to healthier dynamics and a more fulfilling life for yourself.
Here are a few short scripts you can try using to handle your toxic parents:
"I'd like to chat about [specific behavior]. It’s affecting me deeply, and I really need you to stop doing [behavior] from now on."
"Remember the time you [hardship they went through]?" I’m dealing with a similarly difficult [problem] and I really need your support and help. Can you listen to me?”
"I’m sorry but I don’t want to [do this thing they’re pressuring you to do]. I need to stay home and take a break. This is really important for my mental health, and I hope you can understand."
"I’d like to have an honest conversation about how your behavior impacts me. I feel [describe your feelings] when you [the behavior they exhibit]. I’d like to talk about this. Where would you like to start?"
If you're dealing with a toxic parent, know that you’re not alone, and that the emotional scars left behind can be significant.
I welcome you to reach out to me today if you’re considering professional support for dealing with toxic parents. We can talk about how to create more space and happiness in your life — whether that’s through therapy, medication, meditation, assertiveness training — or all four!
It really helps to have someone on your side — for once.
It’s not about outsmarting them as much as it is about standing up to them. I know this can make your chest tighten but if your toxic parent constantly undermines you, it’s best to be clear and then redirect the conversation.
For example: “I appreciate your concern, but I feel good about my decision and plan to move forward with my ideas”
Picture yourself calmly deflecting their criticism with a protective shield.
You can’t change your parents’ toxic behaviors, but you can make them aware of them. For example, the next time your parent tries to undermine your choices, you could respond with:
“I understand your perspective, but I really need to make the choices that are good for me right now.”
If you're an adult who grew up with toxic parents, you’re likely dealing with low self-esteem, perfectionism, anxiety, and chronic self-blame. Sadly, it’s probable that your parents’ behaviors haven’t changed all that much as you’ve become an adult.
You can deal with toxic parents as an adult by setting firm boundaries, calling out their behavior, and restricting their access to you, even if temporarily.
Whether you're struggling with toxic parents, codependency, depression, anxiety, or difficulties with assertiveness, you deserve to get the help you need and to start your healing journey today.
Dr. Ambardar works with adults, ages 18 and older, and provides concierge psychiatry, psychotherapy, medical weight care, and coaching services including:
Ready to begin your own therapeutic journey towards happiness and mental well-being? Contact The Happiness Psychiatrist® today and discover how award-winning integrative psychiatrist Dr. Sheenie Ambardar MD can help put you on the path to your best, happiest self.